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November 11, 2003
Happy Veterans Day to my dad, my DH, and my baby brother and all the other Veterans out there. What a sacrifice serving your country is. Thank you for protecting our country and defending us so that we can enjoy our freedom. Bigs hugs and kisses to my 3 guys on Veterans Day. Love you lots!
So today is cycle day 13. As I mentioned before I hade to make the Clomid decision. I was so shocked to have been told that I now have endometriosis. I am mean really, that wasn't in the plan. DH and I had a good discussion about taking the Clomid and our decision to have children. I had shared with him that I did not have the support of my family in having children with him. Actually I worded it alot differently but he responded with "Yeah, people tell me not to have children with that woman (me)" WOW. OUCH, that was a shocker. He then said that our families do not support us because of all that we have told them. Yup, that is the truth. When I found out about the diagnosis of endo I called my pregnant sister and told her about the endometriosis and the clomid. Her response was "WHAT and HAVE KIDS WITH HIM? Did you forget what hell you went through with DS father?"
Ouch. It wasn't the response I expected. I saw loss in getting the news from my OB she on the other hand just called it like she saw it. I also couldn't believe that she already forgot what it was like to not be able to get pregnant immediately and to have all those doubts about your body and it's abilities. Oh I just want to write in some angry words but I will not. After I recovered from that 'blow' I then told my favorite aunt (who is like a mother to me) what happened. She too said the same thing advising that I really, really think about my decision to pursue getting pregnant. At this point I couldn't hold it in any longer and started to cry. It was definately one of those moments that I felt all alone in this the big scary world. I think I was almost speechless at this point for about 2 hours and DH was wondering what was up. He had read all the information on Clomid and Endometriosis was supportive in being there on the fertile days. I then told him that I changed my mind about starting Clomid and he was really hurt. Of course he doesn't say "Oh, Iam hurt " but his emotions said it. We then laid it on the table. It was definately a shit or get off the pot moment (for our marriage and for having baby). We opted to go forward and take the Clomid.
Fast forward to day 13. Took the OPKs in the AM with the Clear Blue and the PM with the Target brand (doc says not to use the cheap kits, not as accurate). Both were negative. OK now get this (GO FIGURE). Tomorrow is day 14 and this is a critical BD day. DH gets a call that he has a major medical appointment mid day. WHAT? He will have to travel that day and then to top it off an appointment opened up with the specialist the next day so he will need to stay over night for that. I about lost it. Is this a sign from GOD? How can this be? Nothing else the rest of the month and now this. These appointments are critical for my DH as he was injured on the job. And our future is depending on the specialist's opinion. Unbelievable. Well I do think we both rathered enjoyed the scheduled BD. Funny b/c we always have something coming up on those days (ill, travel, too tired, yada yada). So now we have to make BD a top priority. Funny, most couples should always make BD a top priority but how many of us do? So last thing my DH asks was "Did you test positive?" Cute. A man who could care less about ovulation is eagerly awaiting a positive OPK. He has reassurred me that when the sign is positive he will be available to perform. I am (a pestimistic or what?) hoping that the OPK function properly...and that I remember to not pee every 2 hours like I usually do.
Let it go, relax, let it go...my mantra these days. I am so preoccupied with this that I often find myself breaking down to cry. (or is that the Clomid?). I have lots of moments of doubt. I have already mentally scheduled my surgery for January for the endo if I do not conceive this month or next. My DH has reassurred me that if we need to do IVF, we will. We will have the money if necessary.
My DH told me that he wants to try to have a baby now. The way things are looking it seems like are chances are slim but we also do not that we do not have that much time left as my 38 birthday is just around the corner.
What has made this infertility journal so interesting is that it has brought us closer together. It has made our prioritize what we really want from our marriage. The toys (material objects) are irrevelant at this point. We both want children together and a good marriage. My DH acknowledges my son as his own. That is great. He wasn't always like that. He is also accepting my son for who he is (a homebody, a sensitive guy, funny,not big on chores). I can also see that he is working hard on changing his views and behaviors. We will always have some major obstacles with his temper. I won't lie about this. I have even come to realize that in many ways alot of issues really are handed down from our parents/grandparents and only by the grace of God will we get through this.
I should force myself to bed. It is almost midnight and tomorrow will be busy at work. I am sure hoping for a Happy Happy Thankgiving (BFP) but I can honestly say that I have so much to be thankful for including my crazy honest family, my precious firstborn son, and a husband, who despite is drama, loves me tons and tons. Off to dreaming of twins and winning the lottery (just kidding about the lottery, I don't even play)
Annie
P.S. Is it good to linger at websites that deal with infertility issues? I feel so depressed and hopeless sometimes after reading about statistics.
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