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October 19, 2003
A beautiful Sunday afternoon and I am inside glued to my computer. My son is locked in his room glued to his playstation. What is the world coming to?
This morning wasn't so groovy. My son had a friend over and we decided to go to church earlier than usuall. Mr. Little grumpy wasn't to happy with that. His friend on otherhand was so sweet and grateful for his bowl of Apple Jacks. After church I decided to return somethings to WalMart. My Little Grumpy was so unhappy about this trip. I tell you...adolescence is not going to be fun. He was very unhappy that he had to come along and this really ticked me off. We are just talking about a car ride and a few minutes in the store. I know it is natural for him to be pulling away but give me a break!
At the old WalMart I saw many a baby. This of course just breaks my heart b/c it seems like I may be done having kids. With all the circumstances going on in my marriage I doubt if I even want to have a child with my DH (or for future references "H" b/c I am so mad right now I can't even add the D for DEAR as in DH). Now I know that most women reading these (or writing these) diaries can really understand this part about all the babies at WalMart, Target, and in the general population. Oh the longing for a baby of my own. All the self doubt about my body (infertility) and my mothering skills (they don't come with manuals). Iam trying to be patient and have faith but today was one of those moments of weakness. It doesn't help when I am having really bad O pain. Feels like a missed opportunity, a wasted egg! I am trying so hard to not have all this pity but the drive to have a baby is just getting the best of me. I have really thought about donor sperm or even adopting. My best infertile Christian friend is helping me to see the selfishness of opting to be a single parent but hey, I am being honest, I want to be pregnant and want to breastfeed and nuture another child (is that selfish, to want to love a child?). I always wanted a large family and now I am here with my one and only (who is currently being a little stinker today). I want a sweet loving husband that wants me to stay home (but only if I wanted to) and he would provide for us. NOT going to happen anytime soon. I am so afraid to PRAY for another child because my prayers usually ask for a healthy baby (I have seen too many medically fragile children) and then I start to feel so selfish. I have considered adopting and would really like to have a daughter. Goodness gracious do y'all sense a confused person here?
I can't even go into an update about my marriage b/c I am a little upset about a fib he told last night (Really now, are the Yankies more important than church, enough to lie about?????)
So that is my 2 cents and I would love all the feedback I can get.
Oh guess who just came out of the cave and gave me a hug and told me he loved me before asking for Oreos. Little grumpy.
I tell ya, you can't blame him, it is all in his chromosones!
Annie
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