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October 4, 2003
Week one. Strange to have a tagline in a TTC diary about divorce but I know that this is what is coming to. This is just a hard thing to accept when you have planned for your life to get married and have kids (especially after having a child out of wedlock before and wanting to have the 'perfect little family'). I am trying to not have pity on myself and I know that yes, as a TTCer I could opt for the single parent option if I wanted to and that my 'perfect little family' may be just me and my son or me, my son and an adopted child or maybe even donor sperm...(but is that acceptable as a Christian?). This is where I really have to trust in God and my faith especially in a moment like now where I feel so anxious and sad. I count my blessings to have such supportive friends, a few famiy members, and fellow precon writers/readers for their kind words, listening ears, and nice emails.
Last night my son and I went to the movies. I think my son took me on a date. While I haven't told him anything about his step dad and I splitting up I am sure he has over heard a few things from my phone calls. Last night my son and I went to watch a movie (School of Rock) and we had a great time. I was short on cash so he gave me 5 bucks of his birthday money to pay for the tickets while he waited in the arcade. After I paid for the tickets I went to the arcade looking for him but he wasn't there, he was at the snack bar buy 2 Icees, and a popcorn (he knows that I love popcorn). He then handed me a HOMIE,a 25 cent plastic figurine that he bought for me from the vending machine.(gosh how to I explain a HOMIE to all of my friends not from the Southwest?...they are little collectable figurignes that represent 'home boys or home girls' from the Hispanic culture..and not necessarily gangsters or bad people, just of different types of people that you may seen in the Hispanic community representing their dress, characteristics, etc. I think their is even a website for the Homies..rambling- anyways). That was so cute that he did all that for me with his birthday money. The movie was cute and we laughed but all I could think of what how much my DH would have enjoyed the movie b/c he likes old rock n roll. We then went to Borders and hung out there for awhile. It really was a great evening. I went to the self help section at Borders to look at books on divorce and I found one that looked very interesting called "Grown Up Marriage". (FUNNY b/c MOST self help books look like they cater to women..why is this?) I wanted to buy it but I usually don't purchase hardback books at 25 bucks. Maybe I will check at the library or used books. I read a few pages from the chapter 'the divorce option' but didn't have enought time to get to the good stuff. My son snuck up on me and was looking over my shoulder so I am sure at 12 years of age he is figuring it out (Mom is reading a chapter on Divorce...hummmmmmmm)
One verse from that book that made me think was "divorce...little deaths". Is that what divorce means because it sure feels like it?
Yesterday was exceptionally difficult b/c my DH kept telling me that we have to go the church together and that God is the only way to help us through it. I have suggested this in the past but he only went to church once with me and that was it. I am a bit angry b/c I think he is only saying this to get to me. He knows what buttons to push and I feel like he is just saying this to get to me to return. Of course I know that God Hates Divorce and this is just killing me. Fortunately I have a couple Christian friends who have been supportive and understanding and have been helping me along spiritually. At this point, when my DH and I speak it is awful. He swears that I have someone else (having an affair) but of course I am not seeing anybody else. I told him that he wants to believe that b/c he can not take responsibilities for his part in our failing relationship. He does not want to get divorced and when I turn his pleas to come back he becomes very angry. I asked him not to call me for awhile (I am getting just as angry back at him and I don't like it). Well he called back and left a horrible message on my answering machine. He brought up some terrible stuff from the past (deep secrets). In a way I am glad he did that b/c now when I feel sad I can just play that message and remind myself of his true colors. Sort of sick but effective.
What really in so unpleasant about all this is that I went through something very similar with my son's father. He was so similar and yes, he was an abusive man (verbal and emotional). After we split (we were not married) he remarried and had another child. I always thought he changed but that wife also left him citing the same reasons. Someone had told me that tigers don't change their stripes....but can I change? Will I continue to make the same mistakes over? Oh, this part is the hard part. I plan to contact a Christian counselor soon hopefully that will help. Very scary to go through this (and very draining too).
Thanks for just hearing me out.
Gracias for your prayers and thoughts.
Annie
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