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February 1, 2004
reality setting it.
6 days post positive HPT. I could hardly contain myself when I saw DH last Thursday. He returned from a trip late that night and just had to bite my tongue until the next morning to tell him. I handed him the Digital ClearBlue Pregnancy test wrapped in some tissue paper and put it in a little gift bag. He knew the second he saw the stick...and said "Oh my God! Is this?" Of course during this moment ds yells "Mom" so we cut our special moment a a bit short. Then he asks? "No surgery?" NO NO NO! After he dropped off ds from school he told me that he got teary eyed driving back. He was so happy about the pregancy. We decided to spend the day together shopping for things we needed for the house like drapes and what not. Funny how time flies when you have to do those trivial but important things. We did watch a bit of Joyce Meyers on the religious Channel of TV. She said some things that are really sticking right now. Basically that we are should live our lives in the here and now. Being that I am such a worry wort, I am figuring out things for the next year in advance. I am so afraid of losing this pregnancy that I can't even get my hopes up high very much. I keep saying things like " Well, if we have the baby then I will change my work schedule". I make it sound like I am choosing not to have the baby but of course that is not true. I know that I am saying those things to protect myself from feeling crushed if there is a miscarriage. After showing up to 2 1st OB appts. to be told there is no heart beat... Needless to say you can figure out the sadness and dissapointment from those experiences.
I guess it didn't help when I got a voice mail from the medical assistance saying "Congratulations, you are pregnant and we got the lab results. We cannot tell if this is a viable pregnancy so we want you to come in for a preOB appt after 6 weeks." What did that mean? Am I pregnant or not? A positive HPT doesn't mean pregnancy. My sister had a molar pregnancy so I am familiar with all the things that can happen to give a postive HPT. OK enought of this. I feel like I am whinning. We did tell our parents because they called wanted to know how the surgery went (the lap for the endo).
At what point will I believe this? I want this, I have wanted this baby for so long but now things feel so scary. I try to remind myself that the man upstairs is in control of all this! When I feel these moments of anxiety I just pray. I need scripture from all my Christian women friends out there. Please help me through this, words of encouragment please.
On a lighter note I literally ran to Border's Book Store to find out when symptoms of pregancy begin. It has been 13 years since I was pregnant with my son. I wants signs like sore BBs and morning sickness. So far I just feel like nesting and decorating my home....that is something that is suppose to come later. My BBs feel a little sore but nothing that bad, but hey I am only 4 wks 5 days (or so). My goodness, am I an Obsessive Compulsive type or what? So I tell you, there must have been 100 books on pregnancy. The Dads Guide to pregnancy, the Girlfriends Guide to pregancy, Pregnancy after age 35 (thats me), Protecting Yourself From Miscarriage, What to eat when you are Pregnant. The list goes on. THe best source of info has been Fertility Friend as there is a group of us expecting in October. Fortunately I am not losing my mind as I previous had thought. Other women are also asking the same questions.
THe cats meowing, I guess I should let her in.
Thanks to all for there prayers and congrats.
Love Ya!
Annie
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