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January 4, 2004
OK folks, are you sitting down? Another birthday snuck up on me and I am officially 38 years old. WOW. I can remember 18 and 28 years old (and those were good years) but now I am 38. Gray hairs = no longer a surprise, shopping in the juniors department =out of the question, having another child= ????. I remember having lunch with a friend on her 50th birthday, she told me all the things that 50 meant to her, like giving up on some fantasies (winning the lottery, inventing something new) and gave up on a few of her dreams. Now as I hit 38 years old, many many things seem different. Yeah I may have had a tiny waist and been lean at 28 (smile) but I didn't see life like I do now ( I am sure that will be even different in 10 years)). Suddenly I value time and people so differently. I also realize that my fertile years are also very limited, statiscally speaking that it. I am also starting to see what my future may be like without a child...and sometimes I am OK with that. I just wonder if women go through stages of infertility like they do grief.. denial, anger,depression, bargaining, and acceptance. Ummm sounds like a research project for my PhD later.
Ok guess I should back up a little and go over the wonderful holiday season. I am so happy to say that the holidays were very nice. I wished that I took the 24th off instead of working a half day. I was so rushed trying to do last minute stuff before having a Christmas Eve dinner with my MIL. I just love my MIL even though she can be a little high strung at times. I got to relax and enjoy my 10 days off work. I watched movies, went shopping, cooked fancy dinners for my husband. Life was indulgent.
I did go to see my RE/OB/GYN on my 38th birthday. I started spotting the day before my birthday and I wasn't even that surprised. I am bummed that the second round of Clomid didn't work out. I really don't have a problem Oing but OB thought we should give it a try to get some good eggs going. Clomid really 'dried' me up. So I asked my RE/OB/GYN for a lap to diagnose and cure the endometriosis. He was "OK lets do it". Actually he keep saying, "maybe you are already pregnant" and ordered a pregnancy test even though I spotted the night before (AF came later that day). I was so excited to see him so that I could get to the next step with the lap but he was so tired and I could see it in his face. It must suck having to get up in the middle of the night to deliver a baby and then go to work a full day the next. UGH, not for me. I love to sleep way too much for that. So doc says that will call to schedule the minor surgery on a Friday and I can go to work on Monday. Now I am thinking I may not want to rush surgery this cycle. I think I will schedule surgery for a time when AF is due. I hate to have a surgery when it is O time. I wonder if they can to it during AF? I have this feeling that this month will be the month but then I have to LOL b/c how many times have I had that feeling? I used to to the Baby.com website and join the site for July babies 2002, then it was August babies 2002...and so and so on.
The good news is that I had a great birthday. My dearest poppa took me and my DH out to dinner (DH isn't working d/t to a work related injury and therefore there isn't extra money to go out to dinner). We had just a great time! The restaurant was so fancy dancy and they even brought out a big birthday cake. WOW. Oh it was so classy and so much fun. My dad has the biggest heart and I just love him so. My father always celebrates birthdays regardless of age. My younger sister has a birthday in a few days and I offered to watch the new baby for her in case poppa takes her out to dinner ( I am sure he will b/c he always does the same for both of us). She was so excited to have that offer. The little guy is already 7 weeks old and so cute. I do have to confess that everytime I call her or when she came over for the holidays...well that little guy cries all the time. Not terrible cries but he does make his needs known and has a bit of colic. OH MY, how I forgot about that part. It was a real eye opener. Am I ready for a baby?....they cry alot...
Fortunately he calmed down in Auntie Annies arms after a few minutes and I was immediately in love. Oh his yummy baby smell!
New Years was low key. Like I said we watched tons of movies and I even had a chance to watch the commentaries on DVD. My 12 year son stayed up late (till 4 am) to watch both the directors and the producers commentaries on a movie we really love (Behind Enemy Lines). Goodness! I told him, he can't be doing that anymore because he doesn't want to wake up till 2 pm the next day.
Guess I should get ready for work tomorrow. 10 days off was so great but now it is time to face reality.
Annie
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