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April 13, 2002
This isn't going to be a very good entry. I no longer have to wait to see if this was my month or not. AF decided to show up on Friday. Naturally, it happened at work, and I was devastated. I was so hoping that this would be it. I immediately started crying. I couldn't help it, I felt sick to my stomach and just couldn't quit crying. We had clients coming in and I looked like a swollen up faced racoon! It was not a good day. So then I hae 100 people stopping by my desk asking if I was ok, and I just couldn't take it. I really got snippy with a couple of people. I didn't mean to, but I'm tired of this. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster from hell. I finally got myself pulled back together long enough to last the day and then I was out of there. I haven't had a cycle on my own in 3 years! Why now! I always have to have provera!
Stacey, thank you so much for listening to me. You don't know how much I appreciate it.
I honestly feel like I am broken. That I'm not normal, and etc. I really have been trying to hide it, I guess, but I just can't anymore. Why is it that so many people who don't want these babies, can go and have an abortion, or can give them up for adoption (which is a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong) but I'd be so happy with just one baby! Just one. I don't think I'm asking for too much. I'm a good person, I try to help others when I can, I do what I can and when. I don't understand. I mean I know that God has a plan for us all, and he's helped me through a lot, but I feel like we have such a void in our life. We both want this so bad. I know I'm obsessed with it. I have myself so stressed out. I see a commerical with a baby on TV, I start to cry, last night, we went to dinner, there were 2 young pregnant girls, and I just couldn't eat. I felt sick. I was ready to go home. I know the old saying, it'll happen when the time is right, well when is my time?? Why can't I be normal or work right, just one time in my entire life. That would be a miracle.
I guess we have made some progress, I actually started on my own. That's a start, but nothing else. All of my test results came back fine. I'm normal in that catagory, but evidently not some where else. My chrosomes are normal, so are DH, my antibodies, and etc! I'm sorry that I am so negative, but I'm just so mad and so frustrated. I'm hating the world right now. I try to take my mind off of it, but just can't seem to manage to.
SO I called the Dr. yesterday and they want me to come in on Monday for b/w and u/s. He wants to check my thyroid and prolactin (sp??) They checked them once before and everything was fine, I guess it's just double checking.
DH and I have I believe made a decision. I think I'm going to take a couple of months off. I can't take much more. On my apt on Monday, I'm going to ask them if it would hurt or set me back any to take some time off. We have a vacation schedule for the middle of May, we are going to Florida. I'm ready for some time away from 'reality'! I don't mean to, but I know that I take alot out on my hubby. He's been so good, and he tries. He just tells me not to worry it's gonna happen and if it don't then he's not worried and etc. I love him so much. I'd be so lost without him!
Anyway, sorry, I got off track. If the Dr don't think it'll set me back and that a break would do us some good. I won't go back to the Dr. until June. I decided to try and lose some weight in the mean time. I asked the Nurse at the office and she said that it shouldn't hurt that i'd have to keep taking my meformin, but that I should really ask the Dr. SO that I will do. I gotta at least be able to find a swimming suit to fit me! Depressing. I've let myself go so far. I guess I console myeslf with food. I've got to change that. And I believe that it's time to.
Does anyone know anything about Gonal F? That's what they are wanting to do treatment with next. Once we start back up that is. I"ve tried to find some reading about it,but haven't had much luck. If anyone know anything I'd appreciate any info that you have.
Stacey & Aimee good luck with the upcoming IVF!!
Jackie, I hope that your results will make you the happiest woman on earth in 9 months!
Candance, I wish you luck and you get to have a sibling for you little one!
All you other ladies! I hope this is your time too! Good luck & best wishes.
(Hopefully, the next time I update, I'll havea little better attitude. Sorry, but I'm feeling really bitter right now.)
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