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Godmother

October 17, 2007

Within the last month, I have found out that both of my best friends are pregnant. Ouch! Jeff and I have been trying since May of 2006--this is our 19th cycle ttc. My two friends had been trying for three and four months. I didn't take either one's news particularly well. I don't think I cried so much in all my months of disappointments and BFNs.

My first friend, who is probably my closest friend, was my college roommate. She's one of the most fun people I know. Whenever we hang out (which, I realize now, was never often enough), we always had the best time. I feel like I could tell her almost anything and she would understand. When she told me she got a positive HPT, by asking me if I was ready to be a godmother, I felt incredibly conflicted. I was simultaneously ecstatic for her and sunk into the deepest depression for myself. Mostly I was just insanely jealous and felt like the world is too unfair to bear.

My second friend, who is definitely my oldest friend, is someone I have been close to since we were 11. That's well more than half our lives! We went to middle school, high school, and college together, and lived within an hour's drive of each other ever since graduation. She was a little more sensitive to my infertility, but I still felt betrayed. How could I live in a world that would let them get pregnant before me, when I have been trying for so much longer?

Luckily both girls have been incredibly understanding, and I have made a huge effort to be okay with it. I always call them on the day when they have a doctor's appt. so I can hear how it went. I listen to their pregnancy symptoms and sympathize with them for their nausea, constipation, insomnia, overtiredness, etc. I get excited when they pass a new milestone, like having the first ultrasound and seeing the baby for the first time.

No matter what I do, though, it is so hard to go through this. I thought infertility was the hardest thing I would ever go through, but I was wrong--infertility when my closest friends are very fertile is the hardest thing I will ever go through! I no longer have anyone to commiserate with me when we see a "preggo" walk by. Neither of them feels the pain I feel when we pass by a baby store. While they both prepare to be parents, I have to prepare for my next treatment cycle every month.

I do try to look on the bright side, though. It will be great to have two friends who have recently gone through it all once it's finally my turn to be pregnant. Maybe we'll end up being pregnant together for our second children. All this waiting will make my pregnancy all the more of a rewarding miracle. It's hard...sometimes I have to take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute...but it does help to know that I'm becoming a stronger person with each obstacle that I clear.