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New Year's Disappointment

January 2, 2008

    So about a week ago I was so very excited I started getting all of those usual af symptoms but they were very different cramps were lower than usual, my boobs were tender, I was in a great mood though. I thought this is it I'll wake up New Year's Eve take a hpt and there it'll be my bfp finally! Well it didn't happen as I planned.

    On Sunday night I started cramping really bad the worst cramps i've ever had even worse than the ones from the miscarriage. I also had a migraine. I thought for a while it may be another miscarriage. I woke up on Monday morning and was spotting I decided to test anyway just to see. Of course it was a bfn. Af came full force a few hours later. I mean I knew it was coming Sunday and Monday's temps were not good sunday it dove right above the coverline and monday went below. So needless to say on NYE I was pissy. Well we had invited Anthony and Elisa over (our best friends) and as I mentioned I believe in a previous entry they have a 7 month old girl and she is 4 months pg with her second. So dh thankfully got out of work early and as soon as he got home I told him that I was not in a great mood. Well you'd think that would have made him tread lightly well of course not. They arrived shortly after and apparently they had been arguing on the way over so dh went on to tell them that he almost called them and told them not to come over because I was in a bad mood. I was shocked that he would say that when obviously it was meant for his ears only. The night went on and dh yet again put his foot in his mouth by saying if I allowed him to drink perhaps he would actually want to have sex with me. I was crushed here I was devested that I was 100% not pg I was cramping like crazy, I had already told him that I was in a bad mood he made a rude comment earlier and I had to put up with that kind of attitude! I just went and sat on the couch. They decided to play a game which I refused to play. At midnight I didn't get a kiss and lord knows I didn't want one from him either I was very hurt by this. As if I'm not already stressed, out highly emotional, and sleep deprived he has to go and make things worse. Well he eventually walked over and tried to kiss me but I refused. I eventually gave in but it didn't mean anything it was well after midnight and as far as I was concerned he had already ruined the evening. He did tell me that his new year's resolution was to have a baby. When he told me this I looked up at him and I lost it. I had to leave the room.

    All of this was just way too much for me to handle. I think that the thing that upset me the most about his comment about us having sex is that I've always had issues with my body as do most women. And throughout this whole ttc process I have felt less and less desirable because of the constant focus on ttc and not actually trying to enjoy myself. Simply put we don't bd if we don't have to that's all there is to it. But I guess after 2 yrs of trying that's all we can do.

    So my new year's resolution is to try and do something for myself to put myself first. I spend all day thinking about what I can do for others and always put my wants and needs last. Even with ttc if it were to interfere with something else I would probably stop the whole thing. For example there were a few people close to me who we thought wouldn't be too keen on the idea of us ttc so we kept it from them for a long time not until the m/c did those people know. Although I really wanted to share my excitement with everyone I didn't want those people to feel as if they had to change their opinion about us having children just because it was what I wanted. So I've decided that no matter what I am not going to give up ttc this is the only thing that I have ever wanted that I am not willing to give up. I will try and think positive and I will do anything and everything in my power to get pg, stay pg, and have a healthy child. I have also decided that another thing I need to do for myself is go back to school. I've always wanted to finish school although I don't really know what I want to do right now I will do it and it will be this year.

    Sorry for the long rant but I just felt like I needed to get this all out. Dh and I aren't fighting or anything but I am still waiting for an apology because he really did hurt me. He thinks I over reacted but I don't think so. I hope that some day he will realize just how much this whole journey has taken out of me. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I didn't think it would be this difficult. To all of you who have been trying whether it be for 1 month or 10 years I'm sending lots of hugs and tons of babydust to everyone including myself as selfish as it may sound but heck it just might be what I need.