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Feb 7, 2008

February 7, 2008

Well, another year has gone by of heartache and disappointment. I know that this ttc journey will make me a stronger person, but it is offically on hold. This is my last entry at least for now. I will be closing my diary after this because I can't do it anymore. It doesnt make sense to keep it open if I'm not ttc anymore.

It's funny, my last entry was so upbeat... the possibilities of hope were just screaming from me. I couldn't stand it. Now, I feel so lost. I told one of my good friends that I feel like I have this void in me, and I don't know if it will ever be filled. I feel like I am missing a piece of .... me. I guess as wrong as that sounds it feels true. But here's what's been going on.

Jake did his SA, I waited patiently or rather inpatiently for 2 weeks to get the results because of phone tag I was playin with my doc. The results were low mobility and low sperm count. She said that the test could be slightly off because we did do it at a smaller hospital, but there were still red flags. So, she recommendd seeing a RE, a reproductive endrogolist (sp?). She said with my history and the warning signs of PCOS that IUI would most likely be our best option. I held it together really well on the phone but that was probably some of the most devastating news I could get. Being turkey basted to have a kid, that wasn't how I was supposed to be. i was supposed to get pg the first month I tried no problems. We were supposedto have 4 wonderful babies and be done by the time I was 30. I am not supposed to be 25 years old and have just a slim possibliiy of getting pg on my own. it's not fair and it's not right. It just isn't and honestly the hurt is almost too much to bear.

Jake took it in what he called his own way,which I know he needed, but hurt me even more. He basically acted like it was nothing like who cares, but there are moments when he is awesome and he says that we will have kids no matter what we have to do even if we have to adopt. So, it just really depends on the day which I can't take anymore. It's been just over 2 years of trying and over a year with medical help. Unfortunately we can't afford to go further right now with medical intervention and we are having more insurance problems. Talk about being kicked when you're down. So, that's why we are stopping. That and I cannot keep this burden of trying every month and not succeding. it's hard... it's very hard.

People who get pg on the first month or the first 6 months, just don't understand and they probably never will. It's nothing against them, it's just how it is. I feel a bit of pity for them as they will never appreciate a child as much as one who has truly gone through hell to get that child. I have a good friend who has 2 absolutely gorgeous baby twin boys after going through the pain and heartache of trying to get pg. She will forever be thankful of the pain she went through to get them and I would bet that she would do every single second of it again if the outcome was the same. So, I look to her for strength. She will always have a place in my heart as she gives me the strength to not give up totally. That I might just need a break.

So, a break it is. Not really a break, as much as this hurts, we are stopping. I am not going back on bcp, but obviously the chances of me getting pg are slim to none. So, in my mind we are not ttc anymore. It's a very weird feeling. This has consumed my life so solidly for the last year and half that I couldn't think straight anymore. It was all about ttc and should be drinking this or doing that. What happens if tonights the night I get pg? I can't do it anymore, you know. I need me back. I need my husband and my life back. It can't revolve around my cd or how many dpo am I or what kind of symptom I am scraping off the bottom of the barrel. I have heard from too many people that I just need to relax and let i happen. well you know what, I WAS RELAXED! I am way past that point now, so I really need a break. And I just don't think I can stand here that again. I might snap on someone.

People don't understand that ttc for any significant amount of time is worse than being pg.... emotionally wise. Seeing friends, family, coworkers getting what they want so desperately is hard. Then throw hormones, extra hormones from whatever they might be doing and just emotions in general and at the end of the day a mommy to be has that baby kickin her belly and a ttc woman has nothing.....

Ok, I think this entry has gone on long enough. Thank you to all the women on here who have supported me through all of this. I will be back if we start ttc again or if I ever actually get pg. I don't mean to be a huge downer, especially to any ttc women, because it's different for everyone, but don't let my bitterness, i guess you could call it, stand in your way of being happy or excited about ttc. I used to be that way. I wish I could go back some days.

So, goodbye.... good luck....

Shannon