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Better... 11.13

November 13, 2006

I'm trying this for the second time... and unfortunately it's going to be shorter this time around because I'm at work and the clients are due home soon!

I'm better.  I'm much better off, and in a much better frame of mind than I was the day I wrote the last entry.  I had just found out... and although justified I'm sure it came across a bit more like a spoiled child who's desperate to have a toy everyone else has.  Such is life... emotions and feelings, raw as they are, are still emotions and feelings.  I know we all experience it... at some point or another (some more than others).

That night I cried like a big baby.  I cried to my mom who confessed after all this that she had, indeed, abnormal cycles.  For a year now she's said "I was regular" and made me feel like a failure... although it took her and my father four years to conceive me.  She always said my dad had a low sperm count... and low and behold it was the both of them that prevented me from being older than I am!  She told me that when she first found out she was pregnant with me she thought that even if she miscarried she at least would finally have a calm confidence about the situation that at least she could get pregnant.  I yelled at her and told her it wasn't like that, because I had miscarried, and I DO NOT feel like that.  (Originally I did, even saying that I would be "good and fat pregnant by Christmas")  I still don't feel like "just because I conceived once I can do it again".  And I still question on a somewhat regular basis why God would give us a child and take it away.

Anyhow... here's the "game plan"...  (speaking of games, is anyone following the bears this season?  WOW what a game last night!)

Eddie is going to have an SA done asap (like before Christmas).  With that, he's going to get his ED checked.  It may have been alcohol related... because he hasn't had problems in a while now... but we want to be sure.

We're going to pay up bills one month in advance.  This way if and when it happens, we're prepared for my taking extra time off work if I feel like doing so (although I plan to have six weeks of paid time off afterwards).  This way there is no reason to struggle.

I  will go and see an RE if we don't conceive before "after the holidays".  I'm planning on calling in early Jan to schedule an appointment with my ob/gyn, and follow that up with an appointment with the RE at that point.  I know that it may take a while to get an appointment, but oh well... more time to be patient.

And, we're not preventing.  If, by God's grace we conceive, it'll be a miracle that I can only attribute to God and his hand in things.  If it doesn't... then we have a map to go by to see what we can and will do after the fact.

Everything is good and better except the monsterous heartburn I've had for the past few days.  I went to buy tums today, whoo hoo!

And... to "my girls!"

Anne- I'm glad you're feeling better, bumping into walls can't be good for you (sorry girl but it made me chuckle!).  I had the fluctuation (sp?) in temping between months, so it's not unheard of, however... not sure what that means and if it's normal/abnormal.  Talk with your midwife about it when you go in for your IUI.

Anj- I hope and pray you are pregnant and you can give us all hope that it'll actually happen! 

Shannon-Congrats on the house, hope you and dh can enjoy your baby's first Christmas there next year!

Tiffany-I'll pray about your financial situation.  I totally didn't know our m/c's were around the same time last year (mine was 26/27).  Hope everything is going okay for you :)

If anyone else is actually writing, please leave me a message on my ttm board.  I love to read and want to read more... but nobody really stays current with their diaries :( 

Anyhow... take care!

~Amanda~