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11.7.06 WHY

November 7, 2006

What a way to start a day...

I was talking with my mom about the candidates and voting and such.  And I said I wanted to vote for a republican because of his honesty about being against emryonic stem cell research.  She said that on her soap opera that they were able to take stem cells from an embryo without killing it therefore there wasn't anything wrong with it.  I laughed and said "Great scientific information there mom!" and followed it up with "just like on my soaps they're able to determine the paternity of an unborn child.  And she followed that up with "the dr. just recently told Josh that you can do it through an amnio".

Josh is my brother.  He's a year younger, and to get into his business without getting into his business... he lives with my mom and is dating a girl who is also dating his ex-best friend.

I asked why he would need to know this and she said "nevermind".  This went on for a while and she eventually said that his girlfriend was pregnant and that she wasn't sure who the father was.  Now, that's bad... being as how Eddie and I are married, we have a home, and we're financially ready for a child.  Whilst... my brother is not any of the pre-mentioned.  But... add another slap in the face to this ttc journey we've been on... regardless she's getting an abortion.

I hung up on my mom and burst into tears.

WHY.  WHY. WHY!

Why is it that people who don't want to have children continue to get pregnant.  Why do they not appreciate the gift that God has given them?  Why can I not get pregnant, and why do I have to continue struggling to have a child when everyone on God's Green Earth is getting pregnant and aborting them?!  Doesn't he know how much I would love a child?  How much we'd cherish the thought of even being pregnant, and anticipate and care for a child?  How we would love a little one and raise it to love God?  WHY.

As I sit here again, bawling... I tell you that I immediately called Eddie and told him.  He sat stunned and didn't say much except how messed up it is.  I then called a friend of mine who I've known since I was 12.  We (my brother and I) grew up with her... and she actually dated the other possible father when we were younger for quite some time.  She was shocked.  She mentioned getting a surrogate... which isn't anything we're even thinking about this "early" into the game. 

Then my mom called again.  I told her I didn't want to talk to her about this and she said "God will probably bless you with twins by the time Josh is finished dealing with this all".  And again I cried because I know this not to be true.

I just want to be normal.

I want to have the problems of having to use birth control.

I want a freaking child already.

And... no matter what I want, it's not going to happen.