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ever felt... 10.24

October 24, 2007

Have you ever felt so hurt, so disappointed, so in the dumps that it made you question why?

I was stupid enough to believe what the psychic lady said and began to get excited.  I wrote on the previous entry about all the "symptoms" I had, and really began to feel like, yeah... I can see why God had us wait til now to get pregnant... Eddie's job is more stable and more money, with "better" hours, meaning we see each other in passing (no babysitters needed).  I can see that we're closer to being financially stable... etc. etc. etc.

Obviously I took a test and it was negative.  Big shock there.

Overall I just feel like I went shopping at Sears (in heaven) and it was finally my turn to be helped and someone ran upto the counter to complain about their blessing, and God pushed me to the back of the line to take care of them. 

I cried... which is something I don't do (when we have a bfn).  I asked Him "WHY?!  I thought this woman was telling me something that you had already done?!  WHY?".  It just hurts so much to have someone say "you're having a boy" and to believe it... really truly whole heartedly believe it (even if there are doubts) and then find out that indeed you arent... and that you let yourself get hyped up and excited yet again for no good reason.

I dunno... I need to vent... and I need to go back to the thought of "we're not even trying".  Which, we haven't been now for like four months.  It was a lot easier to experience the "shock" of af arriving, etc.  I HATE TTC, and I just want to be done.