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to conceive or not to conceive... that is the question

September 18, 2006

When I turned 27 I anticipated that my life was straight and on it's way to becoming "normal".  By that I mean, I anticipated a calm, I guess.  Simply put... I expected thing to be matured, within the range of what people expect on a daily basis... and not to be challenged or tested in any way whatsoever.  We both had gotten adult jobs within the past few months, we were trying to buy a house, and getting bills paid up and even a savings account going.  Things were going forward, slowly, but we were doing good.

Then this weekend happened...

Without getting into too much detail (to protect the confidentiality of those involved) here's the story...

Thursday I got a call from a very angry parent.  I contacted my supervisor to ask for advice... and figured things were taken care of.  The next morning, Friday, due to the issue with the parent and some other stuff I messed up, I almost lost my job twice, and I threatened to quit from the lack of support three times.  Regardless I still have my job.

I called Eddie and asked him, begged him really, to not do anything stupid because I had a horrible day and couldn't handle anymore stress.  He was with his friends at a golf outing, and I knew he would be drinking.  Although Eddie doesn't drink often, when he does, he loses control and can not stop himself.  He's gone as far as jumping out of a moving car, and trying to drink a candle in a glass (nearly lighting his face on fire).

After work, I went to a friends house to help plan our vacation (we're doing a joint thing).  While there my cell phone began ringing with numbers I wasn't aware of.  Generally... if I don't know the number, I don't answer.  Well, finally my sil's number popped up and she said "you need to call Eddie's friends immediately, something is really wrong!".  So... of course I called the numbers that I didn't know and found out that Eddie was in an ambulance on his way to the hospital because he had passed out and they couldn't rescessitate him. 

So, of course I raced from my friends to the hospital and even beat the ambulance.  It was one of the scariest moments of my entire life.  When he was pulled out of the ambulance he was white, sweaty, and bloody.  He was hanging over the side of the gurnee and they told me to go sit in the waiting room, they would come get me. 

They eventually came and said "Eddie McG", and I jumped up and followed them back to see him.  He had been and continued to vommitt big chunks (picture roast beef in chunks) and blood.  After about an hour he woke up and began fighting everyone.  He was still intoxicated but was at least somewhat conscious.  The nurse told me that if we didn't get some guys in the room that they would have to put him into restraints.  Mind you--he doesn't have insurance, there was a two month gap between my leaving my job and his job's offer for insurance.  So, anything they did we were going to have to pay out of pocket.   And the nurse said, restraints were expensive so we tried as much as possible to resist that.

He was released a few hours later, after he ripped out an IV, and tried desperately to rip out the other two (yes two, cause he infiltrated one of them and they had to redo it). 

He was told by his family and myself that if he didn't get into an AA program (or something like it) that he wouldn't have anywhere to live.   In addition to that we (Eddie and I) agreed that he will stay away from alcohol for the rest of his life.  He is staying away from his friends, because he knows they don't intentionally tempt him to drink, but the places they go do. 

Here's the amazing thing...

Saturday we were walking around the mall, paying bills.  We walked past the book store and Eddie found a book called "WWG" and the subtitle was something like "the biggest match isn't in the ring, it's with God".  I totally thought it was about wrestlers who had died... and because it was 4dollars I told Eddie to get it.  Afterwards, he began reading, and it was about wrestlers that went through situations like this and were saved by finding God! 

The next morning we went to church.  The minute we walked in I found a guy I know at church who is in charge of a group called "Celebrate Recovery".  It's our church's version of AA, and I told Eddie this would be a good idea to join.  Turned out, our church was doing a ministry fair and were asking people to join.  So... Eddie did, and we got a lot of information about it.

Then, church was about how to get an intimate relationship with God, to which Eddie said "man, it felt like it was directly meant for me to hear".  And... he promised that we will be going, together, to church every sunday.

So... I continue to pray about the good that comes from this, and that Eddie will be saved from his demons. 

The question I pose to you is this... do we continue to ttc or put it on the back burner til we get healthy again.  Both of us are talking about it now... because I refuse to raise a child in a household where they experience an alcoholic father... but I also have faith that he will change his behavior and his addiction.  So... I just don't know.

Either way, please if you feel called, pray for us.  Things have been really extremely hard this weekend, and although we're both at peace that we're not alone, it doesn't take away the strong desires to just give up.

Thanks!

Amanda