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apparently I lied... 8.22.07

August 22, 2007

It's been a trying week... or month... whatever.

So, my brother found out he's a daddy.  Whoo hoo.  I have a neice.  And, she's gorgeous and wonderful and amazing and all that.  And I love her, from afar because that's the closest I will probably ever get to her.

And, it's unexplainably depressing to walk through my proud mother's house and see all the grandmother and grandchildren frames she has with this child's pictures in it... especially when we've only met her a handful of times.  And, to know that all those frames are supposed to house pictures of MY children.  Remembering to myself that I'm the only kid who's married, has a stable lifestyle, and the only girl of the family.

So, my cousin finally conceived a child.  Whoo hoo.  I'll have a second cousin soon.  And... everyone is excited about it, and anticipating the arrival, and guessing at what sex it is, and when it'll be born. 

And, it's unexplainably depressing to know that we started trying to get pregnant just before my cousin had her first child, who will be two this coming fall.  And, that although I hoped to be pregnant with her, I now will get to watch from afar.  And, because we can't conceive I feel like she's avoiding me at all costs because she feels akward about her being blessed and my still standing in the rain begging God for my blessing.

So, this past weekend a friend from church announced that her sister and brother in law are expecting a child a week after she gets married this coming spring.  Whoo hoo.

And, it's unexplainably depressing because we started trying and I constantly asked "are you guys trying yet" and always heard "no, I want to get my student loans paid off" or other financial reasons why they were going to wait.  ...my guess is that they conceived pretty quickly since the last time I heard they weren't trying was shortly after Christmas.  And, even if they didn't conceive quickly, it's still quicker than we ever will.

So, yesterday a friend of mine who's been married for four years now said that her and her husband got into it because he wanted to start trying yesterday and she wants to wait until her internship is over to begin trying.

And, it's unexplainably depressing to know that even if they don't start til next spring to try they will probably end up with a child before we ever get pregnant.

(annoyed yet by my rants?)

I've decided against any and all medical testing/proceedures at this point.  I'm not going to be a guinee pig until all other avenues are searched.  In my mind there are two possible reasons why we aren't parents...

1-God doesn't want us to be. 

I am battling with this conclusion so much so that simply reading it brings me to tears.  I can't imagine Him giving me the desire and the heart to be a parent and then saying "just kidding".  But, I also struggle with the issue that hey, maybe God doesn't really care how I feel and that I'm miserable here waiting and waiting and waiting.  My parents are the longest waiters I've personally known and they hit three years.  ...we're going on two with no sign of change here.  So... I just don't know.  I really don't.  Maybe, just maybe, God doesn't care and doesn't want us to be parents.  And if so... I just pray that I will be able to grasp and accept that, and that my heart stops hurting for the moment that I do accept it.

My theory in that is that my brother, my cousin, and the friends of ours from church are all strong believers that God gives what is asked of Him, so they asked and He gave.  ...I've been asking a lot longer than they have and I'm STILL waiting.  And, not so patiently anymore.

2- Eddie (dh) has some serious problem related to his plumbing.

I know, that sounds funny... but there are problems and he doesn't seem like he wants to find out what they are and why.  And, to be honest... I'm not doing anymore medications/testing until he figures out what is going on to cause such horrible performance anxiety.  I don't get it, and I don't want to.  Apparently I'm the only girl who he's ever had this problem with... and it's pretty hard to shake that hit to the ego.

So anyhow, sorry for the rant... but that's just where I'm at these days.  My throat wells up and I cry uncontrollably for this child that I really feel will never be.

~Amanda~