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Feeling Negative

July 23, 2006

Hello Everyone,

It's 15dpo. I'm feeling mighty negative. And... I need to vent, but not vent. If that makes any sense at all :) I have to backtrack a little and tell everyone about this past week. Tuesday morning I woke up at work (it's my last week on midnights... I'm sleeping through my job) about 6:45am. I got some medications passed and about five minutes til seven I had this overwhelming pain in my stomache. When I say stomache, I mean the actual organ, not my belly. I thought I would die... and then vomitt! I sat down and tried to lay my head back and relax-and my phone rang. It was Eddie, who could sense in my voice that something was wrong. He asked, I said, he responded "MORNING SICKNESS!". I said no... and asked if I could let him go til I felt better.

One of my clients came in and I asked her if I could get her to get me some saltines. She got some generic ones and asked if I wanted some 7-up. I told her I'd love her forever, and she in turn got it. She asked if I was pregnant and I told her no. That led into a long line of clients running in to ask if I was pregnant and having morning sickness... and of course to each of them I said the same thing "no, I'm not pregnant". My coworker came in about a half hour after all this, as I was finishing up all the medications and saw the saltines and 7-up and asked if I was pregnant and sick. I told her I was sick and thought I was going to die! I ended up vomitting and felt better. The nausea lasted about an hour all together but left a pretty bad spell of the other end which lasted til yesterday (yes, that's about 5 days!).

On my drive home, I called a coworker who is a personal friend, and asked her what she thought. She said "definately morning sickness" and "expect to be sick later tonight or early tomorrow again". My mom said the same, and therefore I went home to test. I originally tested with an OPK and got a positive! I nearly screamed... I was so excited! I then took the one hcg test I had and it was negative. I didn't think it fully worked, but either way, it was negative.

Maybe this is the symptomatic babblings of a woman with infertility issues in the ttc mode. And then, maybe it's just me. But... I expect that when I do test it'll be a complete waste of money. Shouldn't I have some sort of feeling if it was positive? Shouldn't I feel that I am pregnant at this point? I don't know, really I don't. But, I just can't imagine being pregnant. I am at the point where I can't willingly even imagine the celebration we could experience if we were because I feel like thinking about it will ruin the possibility of it actually happening. I'm irritated, I'm depressed, and just overall feeling negative. ...I just want to know WHEN and IF this will EVER happen. ...and why I feel like I have to suffer to get it. 

And, please note: all this depressive stuff makes me think that I'm pms'ing and af is on her way.  Of course, if I test tomorrow and it's positive... I'll post as soon as possible (which sadly will probably be tuesday, cause I have in-service Monday!).  But, more than likely you'll just catch an entry sometime late in the week with that tid bit of info (meaning, it'll be negative).  I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday to discuss gyn issues... but of course I'd love to throw "I got a positive result" at my ob/gyn.

Til next time,

~Amanda~