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Hope this works! 7.22.07

July 22, 2007

Okay, I'm hoping beyond all hope that this works.  I've tried updating within the past month and had a heck of a time doing so...

This past month was insane!  INSANE I tell you.  I didn't think we'd conceive, but regardless we didn't even end up trying AT ALL.  June 14 my dad was in a horrible car accident.  He broke his pelvis and dislocated his femur.  He is still out of commission and at home, bed stricken for another three or so weeks.  Afterwards he may have to have another surgery.  I took a week off from everything and stayed with him in the hospital... it was payback for the many times he took off and stayed with me as a kid (many times).

The first day back in "my life" from that, I tore the miniscus in my knee at work.  Again... still dealing with that, and attempting to simply just ice it and take ibuprofen/aleve (sp?) for pain.  It's not constant or horrible, but a strange pulling/stretching/burning feeling.

Then... a week after that (yes, I know!) we got some awesome awesome news!  My brother, who has a sperm count of less than 1% of the normal man's sperm got the news that he was a father!  I have a neice, Lilli, who was born June 1.  She's adorable...

So, we're hoping now to give the first grandson on my side... and give Lilli a cousin!

On the ttc journey... I think I'm on day 17, haven't yet ovulated, took clomid 50mg on days 3-7 and 500mg metformin bid, I've taken mucinex (guaffenisin?) 1200mg twice a day also (to counteract the mucus drying agent in clomid).  If it doesn't happen this month, then the next step is an hsg...

Speaking of which... I don't want one.  I taked with a coworker who is also going through the infertillity issues we are.  She had an hsg earlier this year and when I mentioned it she went into gross detail of how horribly painful it is, etc.  So... I'm scared and REALLY praying hard about this month, conceiving.

(onto a tangent)...

Okay... so, it's been like, over a year since we went full on, into fertillity treatments/trying/charting, etc.  And... I think I'm justified in a little rant/rave about my frustrations, yes no?

My brother... who I'm beyond happy and proud of (and Lilli ROCKS!)...

he has like 7k sperm (average is over 100k).  He has a child... He gives pure credit to God that she is his... he says he prayed every night for her to be his (a sticky situation arises behind all that).  I cried and cried and cried hearing it because my brother is not a strong Christian guy... and it rocks that he prayed so hard for her... but uh, hey, I've been praying for two years now for a child and for this not to be as difficult as it has been... I get nothin, nadda.  I'm not at all knocking God... I know there is a plan in place and that it'll come in its own time (a child for us) but it's a little disheartening to think that God isn't answering my prayers when he answered my brothers.  ...kinda feeling like the non-prodical child here.  And, while feeling that way I realize how many many many gifts (blessings) I have from the Lord... I have an amazing husband and a loving marriage.  I have fulfillment in my life and all my needs are taken care of, most of the time not knowing how everything will get paid for.  But still, I can't help but wondering "when will you hear my cries, my prayers, my desires?".

My cousin...

She dealt with infertillity, sort of.  She has a son who is closing in on two.  She began trying for her second around his first birthday (in November).  She had a heck of a time, and was pretty frustrated... but we were able to talk it all out.  I had someone I could confide in who felt what I felt, that I trusted and knew face to face.  She found out this month that she's expecting her second.  We began trying a month or two before her son was born... and still are waiting on our first, just to conceive.

Now mind you, after all this, it probably looks like I hold ill will towards anyone that gets pregnant/has a child... and that is SO not it.  I'm happy for everyone, just a lot jealous of when it'll be my time.  I've already spent several hours with my neice, bought tuns of stuff to start up a scrapbook for her, and can't wait til I get to experience, from a distance, pregnancy with my cousin.  But regardless... as I heard in a song this morning "this pain I feel over me, it goes on and on, on and on.  As I cry myself to sleep it goes on and on, on and on, and on".

That being said... good luck to us all in having and getting preggo this month.

Sophie, I am SO sorry but can completely relate... the same thing happened to us on our honeymoon, to be miscarried just after Thanksgiving (conception ~10/17/05, miscarried 11/27/05).  I'll keep you in my prayers.

Love to all,

Amanda