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God, why not me?

July 6, 2006

Last wednesday we (Eddie and I) went to church. We hadn't been to church in forever... but regardless I felt the calling and went. It was a message about strengthening your marriage. We're not having problems but it was enough to engage Eddie into listening and enjoying the message, and it was comforting to have some sort of confirmation that we were supposed to be there that particular night. I was filled... and I'm SO thankful for that, since we haven't been to church in so long... it was just a wonderful feeling.

So, Sunday morning while I was driving home from work, knowing I was far too late for church that particular day I put on the local Christian radio station. They usually play true praise and worship music on Sunday mornings and I love to just sing to the Lord as I drive home. It was during this time that I had a revelation, you may say... I'm calling it a conversation with God.

I asked him why it was that people who don't deserve children, or even don't want children are blessed with them. He said that there are reasons for everything and it wasn't my place to ask... to accept that they needed a child for whatever reason He found fit. I asked why I couldn't have one. He said I could... but it wasn't time yet. I asked when it would be time. He said that when I realized that a child wasn't a selfish possession--someone to love who'll love me back, then I would have a child. When I realized that a child is simply for HIS glory then I would be blessed.

So, I've been praying harder and harder and having more faith than confusion lately.... and I'm thankful for it. I'm not happy that I feel like I have no control over the fate of my having a child but I'm comforted that I know it'll come when it is His time.

...now if only I could convince God that I know it's right, right now :) (lol...totally joking here).

Beyond that:

my temps have been nearly steady at 95.5 (they've ranged between 95.4 and 95.5 through the entire cycle). Today it was 95.8. So... I'm going to go pick up some OPK's today. We did the deed Mon and Wed, and I finished my clomid on Sun. ...every website I've checked that has any advice on when you ovulate afterwards they've said to do it three days after you finish your clomid and every other day after til day ten. So... we'll see. I'm hoping and praying.

On the 4'th of July I talked with Eddie (dh) and said "Do you realize that if we hadn't miscarried, we would be about due now?". I think I shocked him. We don't talk about it... not because of it being a touchy subject but because we really didn't know so we weren't excited or anticipating or anything. But... on occassion it really hits me hard. This past week I bought a new cd where the first verse talked about how this guy was wishing he could have seen "the first steps, the first words, when you first fell and scraped your knee" and it made me think... is my child in heaven doing all this? Was my child even really a child? It's all just strange I guess, confused and such. Either way... we're focused on the future and any children we can or will have.

This entry has become far longer than I intended :) I actually have a pretty significant amount of work to get done today and haven't really done much beyond filing a few sheets of paper. ut oh. Anyway... please everyone take care and post away. I got a password and such from the head honcho (Shel, thank you and I love ya for all your work!).

And...a question: Did clomid effect anyone who's taken it to become pregnant? I feel like I'm more gassy and have cramping and such already (not the same as period cramps). I dunno. I'm usually very unaware of everything going on in my body. The only thing that tipped me off that the miscarriage was a miscarriage was the amount of blood and pain and in hindsight that I had a massive amount of heartburn!

I'm shutting up now, really. Take care and baby dust to everyone....

~ Amanda ~