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Home › Articles › Miscarriage › Helping a Friend Survive Miscarriage

Helping a Friend Survive Miscarriage

Positive Support for Grieving Parents After Miscarriage

By Steve Theunissen

Pages:  1  2  3  

Isolated, misunderstood, guilty, desperately lonely – the myriad emotions that surge through a woman after the loss of a fetus can leave her feeling totally spent. Oftentimes, however, the tragedy of miscarriage is needlessly compounded by the usually well-meaning but all-too-frequently pain-rendering reaction of friends and family. Rather than the comfortable security blanket that she needs, the grieving mother is too often confronted with a wall of silence, insensitivity and ignorance. The result? The emotional pain of her grieving is sometimes compounded to the point of serious depression.

"Emotional intolerance of loved ones can be a greater trauma than the actual event of the miscarriage," says Dr. Jan Ramsey, clinical psychologist at Tawa Medical Center in Wellington, New Zealand.

Yet it doesn't have to be that way. By showing a little empathy, a little wisdom and a whole lot of love, friends and family can assist the grieving parents in working through their pain. Here are some suggestions:

What to Say to Friends Who've Suffered Miscarriage
Realize that although you never saw this baby, the grieving mother lived with it for weeks, maybe even months. She may have felt the gentle, loving nudges of its first kick, knew instinctively when it was sleeping, felt every movement. Show insight by knowing not only what to say, but also what not to say. Here are some common phrases to steer clear of:

  • You can always try again.
  • I know how you feel.
  • Maybe it was for the best.
  • Time will make it all right.
  • It's not like it was a real baby.

What to Do for Friends Who've Suffered Miscarriage
Be available. Don't stay away because you feel uncomfortable. "I felt terribly isolated after I got home from the hospital," says Martha*, who suffered a miscarriage in the 4th month of her pregnancy. "The support network that I was counting on just wasn't there." The presence of a caring person can make all the difference.


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Re: When They Need You Most by anonymous on 05/19/2009 10:19AM

You can also help by breaking the news to family and friends. I recently suffered a miscarriage and got overwhelmed by how many times I had to tell the story (only hurting me more emotionally). Also, think of funs things to do to take the person's mind of the miscarriage.

Re: When They Need You Most by anonymous on 05/17/2009 04:32PM

thanks so much for this article. after i suffered my first miscarriage i found my distress was made worse by the ignorance and insensitivity of well meaning friends and relatives. after a while, i thought that perhaps i was being over sensitive and irrational. i know now though that i am not alone and my feelings are understable.

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