quick clicks

preconception articles

preconception q&a

community & groups

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Surviving Family Celebrations

Holiday Gatherings and Infertility

By Michele St. Martin

Support starts with you, as does positive thinking, and just as you don't need someone else's approval to feel supported or positive, you don't need your family's approval to start your own traditions.

Mary Casey Jacob, Ph.D., of the University of Connecticut's infertility program, has been counseling infertile couples for over 10 years and says it's especially important to define family. "You and your partner, who have made a commitment to have a life together, are a family," she says. "It's OK for your family to start traditions even if you don't have children. People without children don't always feel they have that right."

Even with your own family traditions in the works, you will more than likely be required to attend additional functions, where your "state of family" will be addressed. Well-meaning family members who know that a couple is having trouble conceiving or in treatment for infertility can unthinkingly rub salt in the wound by asking questions and focusing on a couple's infertility.

Casey Jacob advises couples to be frank about how they feel. "Infertile couples sometimes avoid certain family and friends because they ask questions that make them uncomfortable," she says. "These family members are between a rock and a hard place: Should they ask or not? Couples can say to these people, We know you're rooting for us. It's hard for us to answer questions; can we be the ones to bring it up?"

Couples often feel that they have to answer these questions or be obnoxious about not answering, so Casey Jacob suggests that couples be proactive in their dealings with family members. "Be prepared to ask others questions about themselves," she says. "People are often happy to talk about themselves."

Want to see more?

• All I Want for Christmas: Coping With Infertility During the Holidays
• Truth Be Told: Uncovering Common Infertility Myths
• Taking It Easy (When Trying to Conceive)
• Why Can't I Have a Flower on Mother's Day?
• Talk about it!