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Party of Five?

In Search of the Perfect Family

By Ninotchka Beavers

h be told, I shouldn't have been surprised. This was the same beautiful man who at the height of our infertility struggle sat across from me, calendar in hand, plotting our course of action when I was ready to give it all up!

Once again, my marvelous husband made perfect sense. I abandoned my plans to forevermore "shut down the factory." Shortly thereafter our long awaited second daughter was born. Once again, bearing my second child surpassed all expectations. In fact, it was twice the joy, twice the excitement and quite honestly twice the exhaustion. Still, I soon found out that your heart does indeed grow right along with your family. No need to make room for her, our newborn daughter fit in perfectly and we were now a happy family of four!

Along with all the joy a new baby brings came twice the responsibility. When I look in her eyes, I not only see my gorgeous little miracle baby but I see all that lies ahead – good and bad. Once again, my experience rears its head to remind me that it's not all fun and games. This is a living, breathing little person and soul for me to nourish, love, teach and nurture TOTALLY and COMPLETELY. Every minute of every day counts. There are no second chances. This is a task I do not take lightly. With that said, I truly believe that this is it for me. Two beautiful, healthy daughters. What more can I ask for?

Yet, a few weeks after my second daughter was born, friends at a party asked both my husband and I (separately) when the "next one" was. I believe my friend's exact response to the rolling of my eyes and unyielding "NEVER!" was "Well, you btter talk to your husband then." Apparently his answer was quite different from mine. Alarmed, I felt myself turning 10 different shades of red.

A little over a year later, the conversation is recurring. We often talk about adoption, something we both have always wanted to do. It's not a daily occurrence but every few weeks or so – the subject of whether we will have another child or not most certainly does come up.

I recently saw my newborn nephew for the first time in all his beauty and splendor. Instead of feeling a longing, I felt a sense of fear and relief. I was glad to be past this tender stage with my own girls. The very same thing happened a year ago to a fellow mom (of four, oh my!) upon seeing my then newborn daughter. She told me that although she thought my daughter was beautiful, seeing her didn't make her want any more children and that's how she knew she was done! That's how I felt when I held my newborn nephew.

Still, every so often at night when everyone is fed and bathed and safely tucked (or snuggled) in and accounted for, in the still of the night, I get this nagging feeling like there's someone missing. Is this a sign that maybe someday it won't seem such a daunting thought to have one more child to feed, bathe and snuggle with? Perhaps in the near future when someone asks me the inevitable question of whether we will have more children, instead of hearing an adamant "NEVER!" they might actually hear me utter a barely audible and humble "MAYBE."

Want to see more?

• Maybe Another Baby
• Decisions, Decisions: Which Conception Path Is Right for You?
• Baby Battles: When He Doesn't Want a Child
• Talk about it!