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My Daughter Is in China

Adopting After Infertility

By Michele St. Martin

Let me begin by telling you a little bit about what's good in my life, because overall, I consider myself a very lucky woman. I have a job I love, a husband I love even more. We have good family relationships, a large and loving circle of friends. We're healthy. We have wonderful pets! Like most people, we struggle financially from time to time, but we have a decent middle class income. I have a great life.

But there's a hole where the center should be. The flip side of the spontaneity and freedom that we enjoy is the empty room next to ours. It's supposed to be a baby's room. There should be a glider rocker and a sturdy crib instead of storage space and an empty closet. A baby is supposed to sleep in this room, not our pet cats seeking refuge from our dogs. I want to chase those cats out because a baby's in the crib. I want to soothe a baby to sleep in that rocker. I want to have to find another place for all the things that are stored there.

But more than anything else, I want to be someone's mommy. Most of my life, I thought I'd never have those feelings or say those words. Sometimes the depth of those feelings still surprises me. You see, I wasn't one of those little girls who grew up playing with dolls. I didn't dream of getting married, being a mother, having babies. I dreamed of having a fabulous career and living an exciting life. I didn't think having kids fit into that picture.

As I passed through my teenage years and grew into young adulthood, I started thinking about what it would be like to have a baby. My feelings then can best be described as ambivalent. I thought a lot about what I'd be giving up. Were the sacrifices really worth it? Would I even be a good parent?

Want to see more?

• Go the Distance: Exploring International Adoption
• Domestic Adoption: Building a Family
• Difficult Decisions: Adoption After Infertility
• Talk about it!