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Baby Talk

How to Approach the Subject of Having a Baby

By Kelly Burgess

To approach the subject of starting a family in a case where it hasn't been discussed beforehand, Saposnek says that empathy toward the spouse is important. "The decision to have children is affected by the background of each of these people," he says. "Often, when a partner doesn't want children, it's out of fear that they'll be a poor parent because of something that occurred in their upbringing."

Ken Wade's fear that he wouldn't be a good father led him to his decision to not have children. Donna knew he was wrestling with demons from his childhood and did approach him with a great deal of empathy. She began by bringing the subject up in neutral areas of the home – never the bedroom or dining room – and by being non-confrontational. She encouraged Ken to explore his reasons for not wanting children with her. She also took notes for her book. When things got tense, she backed off and waited a week before bringing it up again. One thing she didn't want to do was let it destroy their marriage.

And it can destroy marriages. In order to avoid that, Saposnek suggests an approach much like the one Donna Wade took: planned discussions in a non-confrontational way. He says it's best to use "I" statements, rather than "you" statements. For example, "I feel the need for a child. How do you feel?" Agreeing in advance that both parties will use "I" statements will eliminate about 80 percent of conflict, says Saposnek.

He also suggests approaching the subject with an eye toward the future. For example, ask your spouse where he sees you as a couple in 10 years. If the answer includes children, then it's merely a matter of setting a date. If the answer does not include children, there needs to be further discussion with a finite resolution.

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