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Baby Talk

How to Approach the Subject of Having a Baby

By Kelly Burgess

The Kahls were lucky because although they didn't exactly agree on when, they did know they both wanted children. That wasn't the case for Donna and Ken Wade. Married when Donna was 39 and Ken was 41, they hadn't really discussed children before they married. Donna knew that Ken, who had been married before, didn't want children and was so sure about his choice that he had gotten a vasectomy. Donna was equally sure that she did want children. But the only discussion they really had about it was when Ken proposed and she asked him if he would agree to have children. Ken assured her that he would have the vasectomy reversed, and that was good enough for Donna. Unfortunately, after they married, Ken didn't remember saying that.

According to Donald T. Saposnek, Ph.D., a child psychologist and custody mediator, it's not really unusual for couples to not discuss the important issue of children before they're married. "A major reason why they don't talk about children much anymore today follows a national trend that relationships are largely not about children anymore," he says. "The media, and as a result our culture, have gotten away from the idea of child-centered relationships. Traditionally, relationships have been structured around children, but now they focus mainly on personal happiness."

Furthermore, Saposnek says that the idea of planning for the future is one that has dwindled away to the point that people don't really know how to make long-range plans. The trend toward families moving to different parts of the country has also taken away the social support that couples traditionally depended upon to carry on family practices.

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• Chopsticks: Short Stories About Trying to Conceive

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