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The End of the Road

Letting Go of Biological Parenthood

By Michele St. Martin

For many women, infertility treatment ends in the happiest way: the birth of a child. But for others, treatment ends when a doctor tells them that further treatment has little chance of success or when they can no longer tolerate the financial, emotional and/or physical stresses of high-tech fertility treatment. No matter what the reason for ending treatment, these women must come to terms with the difficult fact that they will never have a biological child.

A woman's reaction to not having a biological child is as individual as each woman herself, according to Patricia Irwin Johnston, social worker and author of several books relating to infertility. "I think it's important to understand that while the loss of the dream [of parenting a biological child] is certainly one of infertility's major losses, it certainly is not the major loss for everyone," she says. "Some feel much more strongly about their loss of control. Others feel much more strongly about their loss of personal genetic continuity. Still others mourn the loss of the pregnancy experience – either physically or emotionally, or both."

Katie, 26, of Ithaca, N.Y., tried to conceive for 4 years and sought fertility treatment, which included temperature charting, taking Clomid (a drug used to stimulate ovulation), intrauterine insemination (IUI), and a variety of different fertility medications give by injection. Katie underwent many tests and several surgical procedures. Her only pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.

When Katie's doctor told her that the next step was in vitro fertilization (IVF), she and her husband knew that this was it for them; it was time to end treatment and to give up their hopes of giving birth to a child that was biologically related to them. "We had previously decided not to go beyond a certain point, and if we got to that point, we would quit," she says. That point was IVF. Katie says that she initially "felt awful...like my heart was breaking because I had given up." The hardest part for Katie was realizing that she wouldn't be giving her husband the one gift that only she could give him.

Linda, 36, of Bridgewater, N.J., was 33 when she found out, almost by accident, that her chances of having a biological child were very slim. "Barely one year after getting married, and not really even thinking about having kids, I went to my doctor because I was having irregular periods," she says. "It turned out that my egg reserves were quite low, and I was told that I would never be able to have children using my own eggs. The hardest part about realizing that you will never have a biological child is giving up the dream that your child will look like you, share your intelligence and family traits. The second hardest thing was the feeling of failure."

Want to see more?

• Taking a Different Path Toward Motherhood
• Truth Be Told: Uncovering Common Infertility Myths
• Why Can't I Have a Flower on Mother's Day?
• Talk about it!

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