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Too Scared to Conceive

When Your Fears Are Holding You Back

By Teri Brown

Yvonne Thomas, a Los Angeles-based psychologist, says that for many people this fear is very real and can seem all encompassing, even if they haven't had a special needs child or a history of health problems in their family. The fear can stem from many different sources.

For instance, some people may fear their former unhealthy lifestyle (i.e. smoking, drinking, taking drugs, etc.) may now affect their baby. Some people may have experienced so many bad things in their lives that they simply expect the worst.

"To get over these kinds of fears, gather as many facts as possible about the likelihood of unhealthy babies being born," says Thomas. "Try to get percentages of how many unhealthy babies tend to be born and to women of what age, etc. By having concrete facts, it can calm you down and help you regain your perspective that most babies are born healthy."

Walter Smitson, Ph.D., is a professor of psychiatry at the University of Cincinnati. He says that sometimes these fears stem from too much knowledge of what can go wrong. "We live in an age of anxiety," he says. "There are more events and dangers feeding our fears than at any time since the second World War. The more knowledge we have, the more we know about what can go wrong. It, therefore, helps to remind people to keep things in perspective."

Regardless of the fear's source, people with this type of anxiety are afraid they would not know how to parent an impaired child. "Fear has a way of feeding on itself," says Smitson. "It's true that we need to be informed and to use good judgment. However, we need to balance that with the enormous advances in health care."

Smitson says our knowledge of genetics has heightened people's fears about something lurking inside that can create problems later. He suggests that action steps can greatly reduce these fears. "For example, if a person is fearful before pregnancy, then genetic testing can help, along with researching one's family history," he says. "In other words, while some information can scare us, finding additional information can sometimes quiet those fears. In this sense, information can be seen as a positive instead of something to be feared."

Smitson teaches people to think of these emotions in terms of compartments, such as the "fear" compartment and the "feel safe" compartment. "It is OK to visit the fear compartment, but one must be careful not to get stuck there," he says. "At the same time, a person needs to strengthen the feel safe or comfort zone of the inner self. This can be done by looking at all the data, keeping things in perspective, etc."

You can also deal with your conception fears with one or more of the following ideas:

• Research your family's medical history. Talk to your doctor about genetic testing.
• Talk to your OB/GYN about your fears. He or she will often be able to point you in the right direction to gather more data and statistics.
• Share your fears with a friend. Sometimes talking them over with someone and bringing them into the light of day can make them seem more manageable.
• Talk to a qualified mental health care practitioner about your fears.

Want to see more?

• It's in the Genes: Genetic Testing
• Considering Pregnancy Later in Life
• Money, Marriage and Medicine: Some Things to Think About Before You Conceive
• Talk about it!