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They're Too What?

One Man Shares His Reaction to a Diagnosis of Varicoceles

By Mark Stackpole

to lupus to cancer. There were specialists, blood tests, MRI scans and more blood tests. I felt guilty for joking about wishing our lack of conception was her fault, for even thinking that was something wrong with her. As much as we wanted a baby, not being able to conceive naturally is hardly a terminal disease. During another sensitive conversation, I came clean. "Honey," I said. "I hope it's me." She didn't laugh this time, but that's OK because I wasn't joking.

So in some weird way, I was anticipating what the doctor told me. Maybe not the exact words or diagnosis, but by that time I knew it was me. Mostly because I needed it not to be her. If I am not to be blessed with a child, that's OK. Just don't take my wife away from me. Further tests seemed to reveal that she was OK, which was the best news of all. One prayer answered, one prayer left.

I had the varicocelectomy a few months ago, and now there is little to do but wait and see if the sperm count comes up high enough to make natural conception possible. The doctor recently commented on my condition the way a gardener might comment on how well his tomatoes are growing. Everyone is cautiously optimistic, because even if natural conception is not possible, then we have many options to explore. We will explore every last one in as much depth as is required. I already have a fuzzy blue hippo

Want to see more?

• Fuzzy Blue Hippo: A Letter to My Unborn Child
• The House is Quiet: Loving My Niece While Waiting My Turn at Parenthood
• Cruele r Than Hope: Handling the Disappointments of Trying to Conceive
• Egg Day: Taking the Next Step Toward Conception
• Male Infertility
• Eight Ways to Improve Male Fertility
• The Most Common Myths About Infertility