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When They Need You Most

Helping a Friend Survive Miscarriage

By Steve Theunissen

Dr. Ramsey, "They may decline an invitation because they are afraid of losing control of their emotions in front of others. Or they may feel guilty about enjoying a meal and fellowship at such a time."

Consider writing a card or letter. "One friend wrote me a lovely note. I really appreciated it because I could read it over and over," says Shelley, a mother who suffered two miscarriages. Don't feel that you need to be extravagantly clever with your words. A simple, loving message of support from your heart to theirs can be a wonderful gift.

A situation that friends should be aware of is the grieving mother who complains bitterly to a friend about her partner's apparent insensitivity to the loss of their unborn child. Martha recalls her husband's seemingly uncaring attitude: "I was totally disappointed in my husband at the time. As far as he was concerned, there really was no pregnancy. He couldn't experience the grief I was going through." As a caring confidant, you may find yourself in a rather uncomfortable position if your friend starts revealing such feelings to you. So, rather than discussing the specific perceived failings of her partner, let her know that the reactions for a father are necessarily going to be different than those of the mother. They are, however, no less valid. He, too, has suffered a loss. Hiding it may be his way of dealing with it. Whatever you do, don't encourage her in her negative attitude towards her partner. Rather, suggest that she talk through her fears with him.

The wounds caused by miscarriage are deep and lasting. By being a friend in time of distress, however, you can provide a vital ingredient in the healing process. So, rather than shying away from a couple who are grieving over the spontaneous abortion of their child, view the situation as an opportunity to let your loving concern for them blossom.