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When They Need You Most

Helping a Friend Survive Miscarriage

By Steve Theunissen

age in the fourth month of her pregnancy. The presence of a caring person can make all the difference.

Think of practical things you can do to help out. Run errands, help out with the care of children and provide assistance in other daily activities. Grieving is an extremely exhausting process. Don't make the mistake of saying, "If you need anything let me know." Rarely will a grieving person actually call and say, "I've thought of something you can do." As Shelly, who suffered two miscarriages in the space of two years, relates, "I was so confused that I didn't even know what I needed to do, let alone what I needed someone else to do for me." Be proactive. Take the initiative by not only offering specific assistance, but by showing up with two bags of groceries or a casserole for dinner.

Listen and provide reassurance. By being a sympathetic listener, you can share some of the grieving mother's pain. Don't, however, make her feel uncomfortable. Simply ask, "Would you care to talk about it?" Reassure her that whatever emotion she is feeling – sadness, anger, guilt – is normal and valid. "What I learned in a most painful way was that before this happened to me, I really had no idea of what my friends had to bear. I had been as insensitive and ignorant toward them as I now feel people are to me," says Moana, who felt stung by her friends' lack of recognition of her loss. Don't minimize the validity of the grieving process. All grieving people must work through certain essential steps: shock/denial, anger, guilt, depression and, ultimately, acceptance – be a pillar of support as your friend passes through these stages.

Be hospitable to the grieving parents. Rather than offering a "come over anytime" invitation, set a specific date and time. If they refuse, you may discern that a little gentle encouragement is in order. According to