When They Need You Most

Helping a Friend Survive Miscarriage

By Steve Theunissen

Isolated, misunderstood, guilty, desperately lonely...

The myriad emotions that surge through a woman after the loss of a fetus can leave her feeling totally spent. Oftentimes, however, the tragedy of miscarriage is needlessly compounded by the usually well-meaning but all-too-frequently pain-rendering reaction of friends and family. Rather than the comfortable security blanket that she needs, the grieving mother is too often confronted with a wall of silence, insensitivity and ignorance. The result? The emotional pain of her grieving is sometimes compounded to the point of serious depression.

"Emotional intolerance of loved ones can be a greater trauma than the actual event of the miscarriage," says Dr. Jan Ramsey, clinical psychologist at Tawa Medical Center in Wellington, New Zealand.

Yet, it doesn't have to be that way. By showing a little empathy, a little wisdom and a whole lot of love, friends and family can assist the grieving parents in working through their pain. Here are some suggestions:

Realize that although you never saw this baby, the grieving mother lived with it for weeks, maybe even months – she may have felt the gentle, loving nudges of its first kick, knew instinctively when it was sleeping, felt every movement. Show insight by knowing not only what to say, but also what not to say. Here are some common phrases to steer clear of:

• You can always try again.
• I know how you feel.
• Maybe it was for the best.
• Time will make it all right.
• It's not like it was a real baby.

Be available. Don't stay away because you feel uncomfortable. "I felt terribly isolated after I got home from the hospital. The support network that I was counting on just wasn't there," says Martha, who suffered a miscarri