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The Pressure Cooker

When Family Interferes

By Marie-Helen Goyetche

"I've always wanted a child," says Brenda. "Steven wants children but wants to finish his master's degree first. Not only do I feel anxious, but my mother has been at me for a while now. It started as subtle hints. Then the jokes came and now she clearly bugs both of us. The worst part is, even if I know that one day we'll have a baby, I feel so bad I'm letting my mother down. I feel like I failed her. I'd love to please her by giving her a grandchild, but Steven wants to wait."

"There is no way to live up to your parents' expectations, so give up on that," Tessina says. "Allow them to be disappointed in you, if that's what they want to be. It will hurt a lot less than living a life that is not your own."

What happens when your mother is like Judy's mom and is persistent about having grandchildren? Or how about Tania's mother, who was full of questions and wanted to know every detail when she found out Tania wasn't taking the pill anymore? Tania does want to have children, but not right now. Instead, she switched to a natural form of birth control so that she could learn more about her body before pregnancy.

"I tried to explain to my mother (and others) that I was getting off the pill to get myself back on track," Tania says. "I guess educating others to the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) was my solution. I felt as if I had to explain myself and our choices as a couple, over and over again."

"Once [your mother] has heard your method and philosophy, repeating it is useless," says Tessina. "She may never agree with you, and she probably doesn't realize she's pressuring you."

How do you handle a persistent mother? Especially when your spouse tells you, "If this continues, it's me or your mother!" Judy didn't have a chance to make that decision; Mike couldn't handle the pressure and left. It took a while for Judy to see the stress her mom put on her relationship with Mike.

"A spouse is absolutely right to say, 'It's me or your mother,'" Tessina says. "What is your mother doing in your relationship decisions anyway? Decisions about having children belong to you and your spouse. They should be private between you, with the exception of what you have agreed to tell your mother and anyone else. Again, you do not need your mother's approval. You'll enjoy your mother/daughter relationship a lot more if you put it into appropriate perspective."

Want to see more?

• Baby Battles: When He Doesn't Want a Child
• Butt Out: When Family and Friends Want Control Over Your Reproductive Future
• Holiday Family Gatherings and Infertility: Creating a Balance
• Talk about it!