Not Forgotten

Remembering the Children

By Amanda Formaro

The next morning something willed me out of bed. I was bleeding so heavily that I didn't make it the short trip to the bathroom. When I got there I remember passing a golf ball sized object, without any pain or discomfort. I was in shock. I knew in my heart what had happened at that moment, but my mind was blocking it. Perhaps protecting me. When I got up the water was such a deep red that I was unable to see what had left my body. I was in a whirlwind and didn't know what to do. I flushed.

I silently went out into the kitchen of my tiny apartment and put on a pot of coffee. I sat down and began to clip coupons. No tears. Nothing. The words of my doctor kept ringing through my head "There's nothing else we can do." Over and over again. I was afraid to call him, so I didn't. That was Sunday morning.

On Monday I went to work as usual. When I told my boss what had happened she convinced me that I MUST phone the doctor. When I did he instructed me to immediately get into the office, that I may develop an infection. An emergency D&C was performed in the office -- no anesthetic. It was horrible. The pain was excruciating, as if someone were plucking out my insides. I cried and cried. No one was there to comfort me because I chose not to share my fears. My husband didn't even know I was there until the nurse phoned him.

I went home and cried. I cried for hours about the child I would never meet. So many thoughts went through my head. Was it a boy or a girl? Would he have blue eyes? Would she have brown hair? Would he be a lefty like his Mommy? Would she be a good student? Would he be a football star? Would she join the cheerleading squad? Hours. I cried until I fell asleep.

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