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Men and Miscarriage

How Men Handle Miscarriage

By Krissi Danielsson

Also, although the baby may not be quite real for a man in many cases, his wife is. Swanson says that women often do not realize that, for men, the hardest part of a miscarriage might be the physical and emotional impact on his partner. For Gustafsson, that was what she came to understand about her husband. "I understood eventually, by the third miscarriage, that he was more concerned about me and what losing the baby did to me," she says. "That upset him more than anything else."

So what can couples do to best help each other get through a loss? In her counseling work, Swanson works on getting couples to recognize that marriage does not mean a promise to feel the same way about everything. "Couples need to give each other space to have their own form of loss," she says. "They need to not judge each other, and they need to support each other where they are."

In addition, Swanson says it's important to stay close intimately. In many cases, men are frustrated when their partners become unavailable sexually. "Sex is too quickly a reminder of loss for some women," she says. But when a woman becomes unavailable physically, a man can feel more isolated, which can bring tension into other aspects of the couple's relationship. Swanson says women should remember sex has two functions. "One is to make babies, and the other is to express intimacy," she says. "It is important to not let intimacy fall out of the relationship."

Want to see more?

• Pregnancy After Loss: Are You Ready to Try Again?
• Pregnancy After Miscarriage: The Ups and Downs of Trying Again
• A Sister's Shoulder: Helping a Friend Survive Miscarriage
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