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My Turn Again

Life After Stillbirth and Miscarriage

By Jessica Frank

5.1 to a 7. A 7 is miscarriage level. I was told that I needed progesterone "like yesterday." My mom raced me over to the hospital pharmacy. They gave me suppositories and a "launcher" to insert them.

The next few weeks my life revolved around my progesterone. No matter where I was at 5:30 p.m. on the nose, I had to make sure that I "launched" my progesterone and hoped that it landed by my cervix. Most times I was very lucky, except for the time at the movies. I accidentally launched the progesterone into the next stall. It projected and hit a poor woman. I heard her scream and tried to control my laughter as I apologized. I think that she was disgusted, and I heard her storm out. I learned from that experience to always have backup progesterone and to "launch" carefully!

Week 8 came upon me very quickly. It was the last day of school, and I waved goodbye to my students for the summer. It was going to be my time now – time to take classes, relax by the pool and take care of my future little one. My mom picked me up for my appointment. They put me back into the sonogram room, back to the place that I hated most – and with good reason. This time I received bad news. The same news that I had heard seven months earlier. "We're sorry Jessica, but there isn't a heartbeat."

I looked at my mom and said "Again?" She had tears in her eyes when she looked back at me. Just like I had seven months before, I broke the news to my husband. Once again I had to make plans to go to the hospital and say goodbye. I was able to get the D and C the next day. It wasn't that bad. What was bad was watching woman after woman be wheeled into the operating room and delivery room to have their babies. I even had to sit and watch a prisoner being escorted by guards be wheeled into the room to give birth. All I kept thinking was why me? The pity party had begun.

It didn't hit me until about two days later that I had lost another baby. I was lower than low at this point. My breasts had filled with milk, and the hormones must have dropped because I have never felt so depressed in my life.

What to do? I had been the inspiration for so many girls. I was even counseling others who had gone through stillbirths and miscarriages. I was starting to smile again. I was not going to allow myself to be depressed. I called a reproductive endocrinologist and made an appointment. If it is hormonal, I'm going to battle those hormones and win. If it's a sperm or an egg issue, Andy and I are both willing to go for donors. We're open to anything. We just want to be parents.

We're also still in the midst of the adoption process, and I've kicked that into full gear. I'm going to be a mom one way or another. This is just a setback, right? So I've dusted off my fertility monitor, sterilized thermy, my basil thermometer, and am ready to rock and roll. I'm going to live by the mottos "Three strikes and you're out" and "Good things come in threes," and hopefully my own personal motto will be "Three times is the charm." I'll let you know if that one's true in nine months.

Want to see more?

• You've Had a Miscarriage: What Now?
• Pregnancy After Miscarriage: The Ups and Downs of Trying Again
• Life after Miscarriage: Preparing for a Healthy Pregnancy
• Talk about it!