Going Solo

The Pursuit of Single Motherhood

By Teri Brown

"The thinkers first need information ... about what the Single Mothers by Choice moms' experiences have been, and then they need the support to help them think through their options and to help them decide if this choice is for them," says Mattes. "The tryers need help finding good resources for donor insemination and adoption, and [they need] support while they go through the stressful time of trying to conceive or adopt. The moms need support to help them do the best possible job of parenting."

Mattes gives the following tips for those seriously considering pursuing single motherhood:

• Join SMC early on in the "thinking" process, and talk to other members in your area and on the internet email groups.
• Read Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood (Three Rivers Press, 1997) by Jane Mattes.
• Spend a lot of time with a new parent and their baby, just observing what it's like to care for a newborn.
• Do a little self-assessment have you done enough of what you wanted to do in life so that you are ready to focus on raising a child and sacrifice a lot of your own emotional and financial needs?
• Again, talk to people who have made this choice, as they are your best resource.

Once your basic decisions are made, it's as easy as finding an adoption agency, visiting the sperm bank or scheduling a late-night rendezvous with a male friend, right? Wrong. Susan B. Apel, professor of law and the director of the general practice program for the Vermont Law School, suggests that women should first see a lawyer about the legal aspects of their choice.

"I think any woman who is considering having a child should speak with a lawyer one who is knowledgeable about family issues #&150; to obtain the best legal advice," she says. "When it comes to family law, each state may be different, and it is important to seek advice from an attorney in your state before doing anything else." Because the use of reproductive technologies is recent, it has resulted in many court cases over numerous issues, says Apel. Women need to know the risks of proceeding to have a child in what is still viewed as a less than conventional manner.

Want to see more?

• Flying Solo: Single Parent Adoption
• Mulling Over Motherhood: Do You Really Want to Be a Mom?
• Decisions, Decisions: Which Path Is Right for You?
• Talk about it!