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Failing Fatherhood

How Men Handle Infertility

By Gwen Morrison

Those men who had longed for a son to carry on the family name are confronted with feelings of great loss. "Infertility can mean not only the inability to pass along the family name but also the family genes," says Dr. Petok. "One result may be a man's retreat into silence about his infertility. This might be a gender-specific response to stress, not necessarily a lack of feeling about the situation."

Ultimately, the emotional responses of men to their diagnosis of male infertility can vary. According to Dr. Petok, men may experience everything from inadequacy and failure to feelings of depression and sadness. Often the grief that men feel is expressed outwardly as verbal anger, which is a more socially acceptable expression for men. "As anger changes to other emotions that are less comfortable, men may retreat and repress any overt emotional responses," he says.

"Several years ago I was diagnosed with male factor infertility," says John Marcus of Boston, Mass. "'Really? What is that?' This was my first thought. Well, now I know all too well what that is. It is a test – a test of my strength, my manhood and of my emotions. Who knew I even had emotions?"

It is not uncommon for men to suffer from feelings of guilt in response to a diagnosis of male infertility. Men often wonder if their wives think less of them; they question their masculinity and are even embarrassed by their medical problem.

"I kept wondering, does my wife think less of me?" says Marcus. "How can you talk male factor infertility with the guys over a beer? Suddenly, I felt incredible pressure. I wanted answers, and test after test provided none. I wanted a solution, and there really was none."

As time progressed, Marcus felt more and more pressure to make things right. "Now, as we begin to think about IVF again, I can't tell you the pressure I feel. It is enormous," he says. "Never before have I felt like it was all up to me. I still feel responsible for what is happening, even though everything is truly in the hands of the doctors and a higher power. I can't help feeling guilty that we are going through this because of me."

Want to see more?

• Male Factor Infertility: Infertility from His Perspective
• Antisperm Antibodies: Myths, Truths and Treatments of Sperm Allergies
• Beyond Hot Tubs and Boxers: Genetic Links to Male Infertility
• Fuzzy Blue Hippo: A Hopeful Dad's Wait
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