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Crueler Than Hope

Handling the Disappointments of Trying to Conceive

By Mark Stackpole

We charted the temperatures, mapped out the best days and abstained immediately prior to ovulation. There wasn't much romance in our efforts, unfortunately; I still could not escape that nagging feeling that this was a science project that was unlikely to be successful. Had I really let myself get to the point where I was being cynical about making love to my wife? Was this really nothing more than an exercise in data collection?

 We collected our data that month, though it wasn't until after 14 days of high temperatures that we began to pay attention. Charlotte is very regular, and she had rarely gone 14 days. Then, after 16 days without that dreaded drop below the coverline, we dared to let ourselves get a little antsy. She had never gone longer than 16 days post-ovulation. Ever.

We knew from our readings and research that 18 days was the "magic number." Many women who go that long without a drop in basal body temperature are indeed pregnant. Could it be? Were our stars really that aligned? Our first time out after the surgery? Was it fate? A miracle? It would be perfect, but could it be real?

Fatigued by the disappointments of the last three years, it seemed impossible, yet at the same time, proved impossible to dismiss. All of the other times that we thought maybe we had achieved conception, we had no way of knowing that we had absolutely no chance of getting pregnant. The varicose veins that had been growing in my reproductive system had reduced my sperm count to below 450,000. In those years of trying, we had never been close. Never stood a chance. What had Hope gotten us then, except monthly disappointments and heartbreak? I was through with Hope – the cycle of having it and losing it was taking too much of a toll.

Want to see more?

• Too Toxic to Conceive: Is Your Lifestyle to Blame?
• Male Factor: Infertility From His Perspective
• Truth Be Told: Common Infertility Myths
• Talk about it!