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Crueler Than Hope
Handling the Disappointments of Trying to Conceive By Mark Stackpole
Is there anything crueler than Hope? The Hope that this month will be different? The Hope that your research, preparation and desire will finally collide, resulting in a tiny fertilized egg? After several years of having those hopes dashed like clockwork, I am not so sure that Hope is all it's cracked up to be.
After recently having varicocele surgery, I was back in the conception game. If the surgery was a success, enough time had passed to where my sperm count would be showing improvement. Sure, the number was still bound to be low, but we at least had a chance. (Nobody gave the Patriots a shot in the Super Bowl, right? Well, think of me as the Patriots of the Pregnancy Bowl.) If no one is giving you much of a chance, then you have very little to lose.
If my sperm count was still low, then we planned on going ahead with our investigation of IUI, IVF or ICSI. (I haven't spouted so many initials since I was looking at colleges during my senior year of high school. Doesn't it sound like a college search? "Where are you going?" "I got into ICSI!" "Great school. Good biology program...") On the other hand, if my numbers were back in range, then we had a legitimate shot at natural pregnancy. Nothing to lose, everything to gain.
We charted the temperatures, mapped out the best days and abstained immediately prior to ovulation. There wasn't much romance in our efforts, unfortunately; I still could not escape that nagging feeling that this was a science project that was unlikely to be successful. Had I really let myself get to the point where I was being cynical about making love to my wife? Was this really nothing more than an exercise in data collection?
We collected our data that month, though it wasn't until after 14 days of high temperatures that we began to pay attention. Charlotte is very regular, and she had rarely gone 14 days. Then, after 16 days without that dreaded drop below the coverline, we dared to let ourselves get a little antsy. She had never gone longer than 16 days post-ovulation. Ever.
