All I Want for Christmas

Infertility During the Holidays

By Michele St. Martin

For those who are experiencing infertility, the pain of longing for a child is especially acute during the holiday season. Society bombards us with messages about families and children: A long line of adorably dressedchildren line up to see Santa; silver ornaments boast "Baby's First Christmas;" children's Hanukkah books line store windows; and oh, those sentimental television commercials!

"Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go..." The infertile woman hearing this familiar refrain wonders if she will ever be a mother, let alone a grandmother. Will she ever have a child to whom she can sing holiday songs?

What is it really like to experience this constant emphasis on a part of life you desperately want and may never have?

"Holidays are a time for family, and they can be such a painful reminder that after trying for so long, you still don't have one," says Suzy of Missoula, Mont., whohas been trying to have a baby for 4 years. After a failed in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in August, Suzy is now awaiting the results of a frozen embryo transfer.

Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived, or depressed. Infertility is a major life crisis and you are entitled to those feelings. Talk with each other about your feelings. Your spouse may be able to help you through the rough times.

Mary Casey Jacob, Ph.D., of the University of Connecticut Medical School's infertility program, has been helping patients cope with the stresses of infertility for 10 years. Jacob agrees that the holiday season is family oriented and encourages couples to accept that. She points out that Christmas is about a pregnant woman and a birth.

Jacob encourages infertile couples to become good copers. "Coping is about having a sense that you can manage a little bit about how you feel in every situation. It's not about controlling the situation or controlling others. You know that certain situations will be tough. Good copers prepare for situations." She points out that by anticipating situations, couples can prepare to make choices, not be victims. "The essence is, good copers are people who have bags of tricks."

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