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The Boy-Girl Baby Blues

Is a Sex Preference Normal?

By Lisa A. Goldstein

While every parent-to-be wants a happy, healthy baby, many can't deny they have a sex preference. Dealing with it is another matter entirely.

The reasons for preferring a certain sex vary. Some women say they want a daughter to continue the mother-daughter relationship that they treasure. Some feel that girls are easier than boys when they're younger, while others feel boys are preferable because they're easier when they're older. Some want one of each.

Sometimes it's because of expectations. Jane Covner, 53, of Sherman Oaks, Calif., comes from a family of just sisters, so she expected to have a girl. She only looked at girls' clothes, toys and other items. When she had an amniocentesis, she opted to find out the sex. To her surprise, she found out she was having a boy.

"I was surprised at how surprised I was," says Covner. "I just assumed I would have a girl, and it never crossed my mind I'd have a boy. I was stunned and somewhat disappointed. I knew nothing about boys."

Being informed gave Covner five months to get in the boy mood, look at boy clothes and adjust to the idea. She's been happy since her son's birth and has never since thought twice about wishing she had a girl.

"I've learned so much about boys: from every sport you can imagine to video games and action figures," she says. "I knew all the girl stuff, so this experience of learning more about a boy's world just made me a more well-rounded human being."

Finding out the sex ahead of time is one way to deal with possible disappointment. There are other ways to prepare, as Kevin Thays, 32, of Madison, Wis., and his wife are discovering. The couple is expecting another child and hoping to have a boy. But they have a unique reason: Their first child, a son, was stillborn from a cord accident two days after his due date. Their next child was a girl. While they say they will love the child – boy or girl – the same, they can't help but want a boy so that they can live out the dreams they had.

The Thays are preparing by imagining the baby as a boy or girl. They've come up with names they like for both. They've tried to imagine the moment of finding out and have placed a heavier emphasis on the good aspects – such as sharing a room, sister stuff, etc. – of another girl. This way, if it's a boy, they'll be pleasantly surprised. They're also focusing more on the health of the baby, so that sex doesn't override other aspects of the ultrasound, where they'll find out the sex.

"We have agreed that it's OK to feel disappointed, but it's not a disappointment about the baby, just about the dreams we have of raising a son," says Thays. "We've tried to separate those feelings a bit. That will help us to still be excited about the baby if it's another girl."

Want to see more?

• Low-Tech Ways to Choose Your Baby's Gender
• Assisted Sex Selection: High-Tech Ways to Choose Your Baby's Gender
• Boy or Girl: Should You Choose the Sex of Your Child?
• Talk about it!